Abuse can happen to anyone at any time, and it’s not always screaming and punching. Abuse can be much more subtle but just as sinister. How people react to abuse isn’t always shivering in a corner and crying, either.
Abuse can manifest through emotional torment, manipulation, gaslighting, threats, isolation, coercion, and more. It can be even more difficult to detect abuse when the victim is in denial. If you’re concerned about potential abuse in your life, whether for yourself or a loved one, it’s good to know some common behavioral signs of many types of abuse that aren’t as obvious as others.
Social Withdrawal
Abused people may not show up to social events as often—or at all. Abusers love to isolate their victims, and sometimes, it will be a slow and subtle process. Instead of demanding their victim stop talking to everyone at once, it can happen without the victim realizing. Perhaps the victim’s best friend has some character flaws that an abuser will point out, making the victim feel obligated to spend less time with them.
An abuser may inflate a conflict with a victim’s family member to decrease the victim’s presence at family gatherings. If you or a friend suddenly withdraw from family gatherings, girls’ or boys’ night, or even the office Christmas party, it’s good to evaluate the reasons why. Being less social isn’t always a sign of abuse, but if social withdrawal is to protect or ease the concerns of a loved one, you may need to be careful.
Increased Anxiety
Anxiety is a pretty common mental health condition, but most people have reasons to be anxious—moving to a new town, starting a new job, planning a first date, and more. If there is no reason to be anxious, it may be a sign of an anxiety disorder. While anxiety disorders don’t necessarily have a direct cause, sudden anxiety with no explanation can be a result of stressful living situations or lifestyles. If anxiety around another person increases, it’s a good idea to figure out why.
Poor Sleep Quality
Sometimes, you may stay up too late and suffer at work the next day. Other times, you go to bed on time but can’t fall asleep. These are both scenarios where it’s normal to have insufficient sleep quality. However, sleep quality can dip chronically if you are anxious or distressed about your life.
An abuser can present a lot of daily stress, isolation, and fear that can actively contribute to a decrease in sleep quality. You may even be afraid to fall asleep while an abuser is awake in your home. If these scenarios sound familiar, it’s essential to get outside support.
Dressing Modestly Without Cause
It’s common for an abuser to strangle their victim, requiring them to wear a scarf or turtleneck to cover up the marks. Abusers may also judge the victim’s wardrobe, accusing them of trying to attract other people, which results in more modest attire. Any change in fashion style or modesty level without any cause can be a red flag if a controlling person is in someone’s life.
Increase in Excuses
If someone is in denial about abuse, they may use excuses to explain someone’s behavior. It may not be a good sign if these excuses increase in frequency, particularly around one person. Victims may also start making excuses about other aspects of life as a trauma response; they may be so used to having to explain every detail of their life to a controlling abuser that they may practice this behavior with others as well.
Lying About a Partner
It’s normal to keep small details of your relationship or romantic partner’s life private; some secrets aren’t yours to tell. However, constantly covering up for a partner’s behavior, words, or personality could indicate that they’re not in good company. Lying about an abuser’s behavior may be a survival tactic to keep others from investigating and putting the victim in danger. Other times, it may be because the victim is in denial of the abuser’s actions.
Paranoia
Paranoia can be a typical symptom of anxiety, PTSD, or other mental health conditions. However, an increase or sudden appearance of paranoia with no apparent cause may be a sign that a person or event is causing excess stress in someone’s life. Abuse victims may be paranoid that their abuser will find out about their activities or appear out of nowhere; this isn’t a normal relationship to have with someone.
Clinginess
Some people are naturally more clingy than others; clinginess can also be a sign of an anxiety disorder. However, abuse survivors may be clingier or suddenly start being clingy as a result of their abuse. Clinginess may look like constant asks for reassurance or emotional dependency. While being clingy can be harmless, it can also create bad habits or relationships.
No Dating Interest
A bad breakup, abusive or not, can lower one’s desire for dating or romance for a while. However, if there is a genuine fear or avoidance of romantic or sexual encounters, this could be a sign of abuse. Fear of sexual intimacy is a common sign of sexual abuse. Most people need a break from dating after any breakup or hardship, but extended periods of withdrawal or fearful avoidance may warrant some reflection.
Fear of Conflict
Conflict in any interpersonal relationship is normal and sometimes even healthy. An adverse fear of conflict, especially out of nowhere, may indicate that conflict wasn’t handled properly in someone’s life. An abuser can make conflict in a relationship physically or emotionally painful—literally. Fear of conflict often presents as having little or no boundaries, excessive people-pleasing, or physically removing themselves from a disagreement.
